The title is how I am feeling, but ‘a has been what?’ I can imagine some people asking. Which is a good question. I’ve never aspired for fame, so it’s not that, but having just reached 32 I feel like I’ve striven for so much and achieved so little. Example 1, I worked for the same company for 10 years from 2000 to 2010, I walked the line, I was passionate – Colleagues used to joke you could cut me in half and see the name of the company written through out me, like a stick of Rock – but towards the end I realized the company had changed and so had I, meaning a parting of ways, which isn’t and wasn’t a problem – but I do keeping asking myself, what have I got to show for all that?
I was also an active member of Rotaract (a branch of the Rotary International Volunteers Family) so much so, I became the Chairman of Rotaract in Great Britain and Ireland, and I had such high hopes for it all, but ended up leaving that too, when I couldn’t cope! A common thread through out my life – I couldn’t cope!
so these are just a couple of examples of my under achievements, and now, the Summer of 2012 – supposedly a big year here in the UK, I find myself unemployed with little to no future prospect, and on the cliff edge I’ve come to know, called depression.
I know all classical lines of ‘you are surrounded by friends and family, who love you’ and I just think what a disappointment and weight round their necks I must be. And the age old wisdom of Positive thinking, but find it so hard to stick to and too easy to slip right back down to the depths of depression I know, and oddly find secure and easier to exist in. One episode of Ally McBeal summed it up for me, when her secratary Ellan I think her name was, said it’s not easy to smile and takes a lot of effort, or something along those words. I just can’t seem to find the motivation or drive to do that nowadays.
So here I am, 32, unemployed and Broke. Yet I need to remember the positives, I have no debts, I am in fairly okay health, I have no where to go, but UP! so fingers crossed my next post will be a better out look, hey tomorrows another day, and like Annie said, you’re only a day away.